Why Are So Many People Stuck In a Sexless Marriage?


There are A LOT OF PEOPLE who are in need of help with their sexless marriage. The research has indicated that as many as 17 million people in the United States alone are in a relationship where they have sex 10 times a year or less. That is A LOT OF PEOPLE who might well want help with a sexless marriage.

A healthy sexual relationship is very important to a healthy marriage

That isn’t to say that a healthy marriage must necessarily have healthy sex, but it is very important. People who want help with their sexless marriage are very often asking for help with something that is right at the center of their relationship.

Sexual desire is a very basic human need; it is integral to the perpetuation of our species. There aren’t nearly as many people who want help to pick out the right color of socks; the right color socks isn’t fundamental to the perpetuation of our species.

There is no more common arena for working through control issues than the arena of sex. A search for help with their sexless marriage is often a cloaked way of searching for a solution to the control dramas that exist between a man and a woman. The more mature a relationship, the less often there are control dramas, and the less often there are struggles with their marriage.

We live in an age when most people expect to have a satisfying sexual relationship. It is a combination of factors that have created these shared expectations. The media has contributed, as has the changing status of women around the world. Everyone believes that they deserve to enjoy a life where they don’t need sex advice for their marriage.

Shame and guilt about sex are disappearing quickly.

For some centuries, we civilized humans were encouraged to get our sexual desires under control; there was little room for impulsiveness. Today, we believe sex is normal, sexual desire is natural, and sexual expression is fun and playful. Our paradigm has shifted. If shame and guilt still hang around the area of sexuality, then we may want help with our sexless marriage so we can free ourselves.

We simply live in an age where we don’t have to put up with stuff that doesn’t work right. If your body is troubled, you go to the Doc and get a fix. If your money isn’t growing fast enough for you, you go to an Investment Counselor and get the ball rolling. If your computer isn’t working, you find a Technician to work some wonders. The point is, we have grown accustomed to finding a fix for most problems in life.

Getting help for a sexless marriage makes perfect sense in a world where there is help for almost anything! Men and women don’t know how to please each other very well at all. There simply has been too much focus on intercourse as a way of reaching mutual pleasure. It takes more than 20 minutes, on average, for a woman to become aroused to the point of orgasm. 75% of men don’t take 2 minutes, and not enough men and women have worked at mastering sexual arousal.

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  1. wow says

    My husband and I have been married for 12 years, we had plenty of sex right up until he said I DO. WE were like rabbits, 6 times a day!! Now, we hardly have sex, I have to initiate it every time, there is no foreplay and it doesn’t last long. I went and got toys and after years of this ( took him to dr’s, he won’t go to therapy, etc) I told him, you do you and I will do me. There is NO reason for me to be celibate because you are not interested. I couldn’t even talk him into using the toys on me!!! We have young children so no, divorce is not an option. It is so sad. If I had a crystal ball and could have seen into the future, I would NEVER have gotten married to him.

  2. Lonely says

    I live in a sexless marriage. He has ED, and has multiple health problems and medications that could cause this, but it is “all my fault.” Most people think I look pretty good for my age and they are assuming I am 5 to 10 years younger than I am. He says I am old and fat. I could live with the no sex, but the total lack of any other affection is killing me. My parents marriage was full of affectionate words and touching until the day my mom died. My marriage is a mirror image of my husband’s parents’ marriage.
    For my part, I don’t believe in divorce for religious reasons. He left his faith years ago, although he still likes to pretend to have it around others who are believers, so I think he has stayed because he knows he will never find another servant/roommate to wait on him hand and foot.

  3. Nat says

    Nisa asked why we got married, my answer is I wanted to see what it was like! For about 10 years I faked sex meaning I faked the enjoyment of sex. Then I just stopped and my wife was upset. But I told her thats what I want, and she can do whatever she wants. Since my last writting i moved all my stuff downstairs to a small apartment that I built. Much better down there, quite and peaceful. I have no intention to re-attach myself to my wife. Just apartment dewellers now.

  4. rose says

    I am also stuck in a sexless marriage (maybe once, twice a year, I do not even remember) I have for 3 years , in the relationship for 6. It was always a very low key sexual relationship , but still signs of little intimacy. I am 13 older than him, what he looked in me still do not know. Not bad looking, well educated, but I am not rich, I was very loving, sexy, with carisma, now I feel numb. I have been seriously considering divorce, I feel I am finally ready to live a full live again I do not believe I can be any more lonely than I am actually are in this marriage, no sex, no economic security, no intimacy, no future , no dreams.
    The very sad part is how lonely and depressed I have been, I do not seem to be able to count on my husband, When I was taken to the emergency room due to a suspected heart attack ( false alarm then, but later on Drs. found out that I have a heart condition after all) my husband said he could not cancel his work plans for the evenning and told me to call the neighbor, I ended taking the city bus back home, however often he makes arrangements to cancel work appointments to meet friends and prepare their food. Little details like forgetting to mail a letter when he was home all day and I was working, not knowing , or being interesteded in my health issues, have permeated my core…to me, it just shows I am not present in his mind, heart or life , therefore a sexless marriage is really more than skin deep it really erodes your soul, but it is life at the end of the tunnel. There is always a bright light shinning within us that gives us hope to continue. If someone will tell me a secret to still believe there is a way to save my marriage, I will give it a good try, but I am scared, I have energy now I still have the will to live few more months, years ? Is the situation going to change? His ears are about to explode from all my talking about our marriage. He does not believe in counseling? What is left to do?

  5. get says

    I am stuck in a sexless marriage. I would say sex is very important in a relationship. For me sex is a stress reliever.. Right now, I am married with my husband but I am not happy. You might ask me…why I am still married with my husband? The answer is because of my children. It is not easy to make a decision particularly if your children are still too young to understand.

  6. Nisa says

    To Nat,
    What is the point in being married if you feel like that? I work in a nursing home enviornment and you and your wife would benefit greatly if you went to one to see what ends up happening to folks with no one to share their life with (physical aspect of love and sex). It is depressing and sad. Maybe it’s because you have been married for too many years and have become content. There is an elderly couple at my job that have been married for 50 years and they still display love and affection towards each other daily and they do so much together. I strive for a marriage like that and it gives me hope. Sex is great especially if you discover it all over again with the one you love. Be spontaneous and try it again Nat!

    I did enjoy reading you post and hope to hear from you.

  7. Nat says

    I also agree sex is not needed in a marriage.
    Sex is boring, lack luster, unattractive, unexciting does absolutly
    nothing except promote arguements and discontent.
    Wife and I hadn’t had sex for about 25 years, was the best thing to get rid of in our lives. We now lead different lives, we both have different hobbies which is also more important and work different part time jobs.We work different days so as to not see to much of each other, except for dinner and bed time. Its all what you get use to.

  8. Eric says

    Sarah, you are very wrong, sex involves many emotions and chemicals which affect mood, comfort, acceptance, and many other emotions as well as a sense of fulfillment in life. Sex is a nerve sensation, but those sensations are connected to many many things that ultimately generate well being and fulfillment in life. There is no such thing as evolving beyond sex, as sex is an ever evolving thing that is getting better as society learns more about it.

    I hope that you have a chance to once day enjoy the greatness of a wonderful sex life.

  9. Sarah says

    I don’t believe for one minute that sex is needed in a marriage. It’s just a nerve sensation, nothing more, nothing less. We’ve evolved beyond such an animal need, thank goodness. Good riddance.

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