Sexless Marriages – When Men Stop Having Sex With Their Wives


Sexless marriages are one of the most painful causes of divorce. A lack of sexual intimacy in a marriage is a common reason for a marriage to fail and finding a solution isn’t easy.angry man shouting

Sexless marriages caused by physical problems are often curable with medication, but a lack of sex caused by relationship problems is a sign of a failing marriage and may need the help of a marriage counselor or a therapist.

It is often women who get the blame for a sexless marriage and get called ‘frigid’, but what about men who stop having sex with their wives and why?

When a wife starts asking her husband why he doesn’t seem to want sex with her any more he will often come out with excuses like, “I’m too tired tonight,” “I’m too stressed to do it,” “It’s too late ” and other feeble excuses.

Men do have problems revealing their inner feelings so they usually prefer to hide the truth about why they don’t have sex with their wife any more. They also know that telling their wife the real reasons will bring everything else that is wrong with their marriage to the surface.

Reasons why a husband stops having sex with his wife.

He no longer finds his wife physically attractive

He doesn’t feel attracted to his wife because she has let herself go physically – usually by putting on lots of weight. Not just a little weight, which most men don’t mind because they generally like women who are curvy, but excessive weight of 70lbs or more.

For most men this can be quite off-putting, and a woman who allows herself to become extremely overweight can’t complain if her husband loses his passion for her in bed. He may still love her as a person but a man’s attitude towards physical love is a lot different. It may seem a shallow reason but if he has never been attracted to overweight women then he probably can’t help his feelings.

His lack of desire for his overweight wife will make it difficult to perform, the lovemaking will become unsatisfying for both of them, and eventually the marriage will become sexless.He will often keep his thoughts about her weight gain to himself to prevent upsetting her as most women are very self-conscious about their weight and will take great offence at any suggestion that they are getting too fat.

Of course, many men get seriously overweight too and their wives may not fancy sex with them so they only do so to keep a fragile peace. They won’t engage in love-making with much gusto though.

The husband is angry with his wife.

Think about it, do you like to make love with someone with whom you are angry? Some men are so angry and frustrated with their wife for one reason or another that avoiding sex with their wife becomes a weapon to be used against them.

He is angry because his wife treats him like dirt.

He might stop having sex with his wife because she is too controlling and critical of him. Constant criticism and nagging from his wife will erode at the husband’s self-esteem. He will feel deep resentment because of her insensitive behaviour and this will cause him to avoid sex with his wife in reprisal.

Continuous abuse and lack of respect from his wife might simply cause him to keep all his resentment bottled up inside, which can eventually cause depression.Taking antidepressants for his depression could have side effects such as loss of libido or dull his emotions and consequently his desire for sex with her.

He is angry because his wife is lazy and selfish.

Some men get angry with their wives because they are lazy and spoilt and do not contribute meaningfully to the marriage. These types of women are only interested in their own needs and give very little back emotionally so the husband will eventually do the same.

He is angry because his wife lies to him.

A husband may also stop having sex with his wife because she is deceitful and untruthful to him. She may lie about money and debts and create financial hardship with her feckless money management. Arguments about money problems are one of the main reasons for marriages ending.

Good marriages thrive on openness and honesty and when either a wife or husband constantly lies to their spouse about anything, it eats away at the foundation of the marriage. After all, if you can’t trust the person who is supposed to be your life partner then how can you respect and love them?

Time to get help for your sexless marriage

Any one of the non-medical reasons men stop having sex can cause him to avoid sexual intimacy with his wife. A sexless marriage due to relationship issues is usually a symptom of even bigger problems in your marriage. To tackle the problems in your marriage you really need to talk to a marriage counselor or therapist to find out the underlying reasons for why your marriage is now sexless.


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  1. Maggie mccourt says

    I’m mad as heck too. I dated my husband 2 years before we married, we had a great sex life. We said “I do” and he’s not wanted it ever since! No children, well no sex,no kids . I’m not overr weight and look about 10 younger than my age. I know where he is all the time so how could he be gay? He has no interest in other women. So here I am, I was 21 years celibate and tired of self a use when I took a boyfriend. Husband didn’t care, he’d drive me to the airport .
    I am soooo mad, why did marry me? Could he ruined someone else’s life. Guys when women quit wanting it there are two reasons, a guy who does give affection or say, I love you, except in bed, gets old. Or your are just plain no good, which means you probably don’t how a woman’s body works. Cause if its good, she wants it. And I wanted my husband. No I almost hate him, but there is also 25 hers of good friendship involved. I’m a freakin mess

  2. No Nookie says

    browsing the net for a solution to my sexless marriage, i came across this site. Sad to see so many people without intimacy in their marriages, but a relieve to see i’m not alone. My wife (employed) only knows me when she needs money, but the 3 k that i gave her did not even buy me a peck on the cheek nor a thank you hug. When she phoned me once, the first question was to know if i got paid already. She’s forever tired and if i don’t question the lack of sex in our marriage no word will be mentioned of it. I love my wife dearly, but if another oppertunity should knock i’ll most surely failed the test of being faithful. My wife has the ”weapon” of marriage distruction and with a staborn wife like mine, i’m doomed.

    Thanx for reading

  3. Louise says

    Porn has a lot to do with men losing interest in having sex with REAL women. Porn has created a fantasy that men get habituated to and then they find it difficult to have sex with a “real” woman in a “real” way. IF you are with a man who is not gay and other men are attracted to you, then it is probably more than likely he is doing porn behind your back. Porn is a 10 billion dollar industry (lots of men are hooked on it) and it creates sexual fantasies that are for the most part, fake and unrealistic. It is really easy for men to get used to linking their sexual feelings to the visual images of porn, thus slowly disabling their ability to be a Real Lover to Real women.

    It’s sad, but women’s status as sex objects is at an all time high and it is the worse than it has ever been. Women’s bodies are sold now, MORE THAN EVER IN HISTORY–either through porn or the sex trade or street / escort prostitution. If you think about it —Porn is just prostitution caught on tape.

    I love sex everyday and I am not religious (so don’t think this has to do with being against it because of God or something). I am beautiful and I love men very much. But porn is taking them away from being our true lovers and it is taking the pleasure out of real sex. Porn is putting the burden on real women to perform like porn stars (or get left alone a lot) because porn has conditioned men to make love only with their eyes instead of mostly their hands and bodies, like the good old days.

    Good Luck ladies and don’t let your man get away with doing Porn with or without your knowledge. You just deserve so much better than that and deep down you know it. All women do.

  4. Tony says

    A similar situation my side.
    We had a miscarriage first. Then a big baby, close to 5kg. Her veins got torn. For her to heal, I had to wait a whole year without sex. We got a second baby. Now a third one. It is now a year since we had sex again. Her health condition required a break from sex, and we are trying natural child spacing. We have not used a condom before, as it lacks the natural feel. We have never been unfaithful to each other. However, she doesn’t seem to feel for my lack of sex for this long. It seems like a thing i should continue to bear with. Now she is doing tiresome chores throughout the day and that makes it worse. I cant be humane and ask for sex when i see what she is going through.
    I have many alternative friends but I CANNOT accept the temptation to take them aside. I am going thru the fire by myself.

  5. HappyWife says

    Wow, I thought 8 months was a long time without sex. I broke my neck 3 years ago, so it’s put a little damper on the sex life. I gained 30 pounds from not being able to exercise, I was previously running 36 miles a week. Last year I decided to cut back calories. Since I’m disabled with severe neck and arm pain, I’m very limited with what I can do through out the day. Since cutting calories, I’ve lost 20+ pounds! I’m not toned like I use to be, but I am thinner.
    Just recently I had to stop and realize what I was doing by not having sex with my husband. How could I be so selfish? Sex releases natural endorphin’s that help the pain.
    I did a little research and I found some natural products to increase my libido. They are all natural supplements and they work a little too well.
    I’ve also changed my ways on how I treat my husband. I never treated him bad in the first place, but there is much more I can do to make him feel better.
    My husband meets all my needs physically and emotionally. We have always gotten along really well, but the lack of sex DOES make him irritated.
    I started acting like we did when we were first dating. I flirt with him daily and tell him frequently how handsome he is. I thanked him for everything he does to support the kids and I. And now…. I initiate and make the first moves with sex. The supplement I take is a creme and I just about attack him every
    The past few weeks have been blissful. I have a few more surprises in store. I promise I will never go that long without sex again. I didn’t realize I was hurting my husband by not meeting his needs.
    Even with the weight gain, my husband was supportive. He never expects anything from me. He knows that there are days I can not clean nor cook due to the pain. He is very patient and we are best of friends.

    • Drew says

      Happy Wife, good for you! Wish my wife had gone there. My marriage is busted now after 20+ sexless years and it’s just a sad, hurtful loss. Sex is too easily put aside, but it is critically needed. Marriage priority order: God, spouse, children, others.

  6. angie says

    Now I am confused. I have not gained a great amount of weight I am actually the same as when we got married. I deserve to have someone interested in me. One who looks at me like I am his whole world. Yet he never looks at me like that anymore. We have sex occasioanlyl but its been sexless more than not. We are no longer having sex. And when I asked why finally he says i dont know why, I think about it I just dont go for it. I asked why and he had no reason, he even said that he finds me attractive and he likes me. What does that mean when you never touch me. I am tired and after all the years of dealing with his imperfections and accepting him chance after chance and forgiveness after betrayal, I find myself looking for a reason to leave. I pay for myself and our life. he has a good paying job as well but I can leave if I want, so why dont I? I guess I love him even though his shows me nothing. I have now questioned maybe I shoudl just leave, I used to have guys lined up to sleep with me. Guys brothers wanted me. I could have anyone I wanted. With little effort. Now I just want someone to make me feel good (not just sex) And spending time with me is not the same as being affectionate and telling me how I turn you on.
    After reading mostly everyones posts, I have to say communication is a loss in all this. We all think we deserve to be loved and touched yet our attitudes suck. And yes of course I am sure our attitudes were caused from this sexless life, but we need to be aware our actions turn people off. Thinking we as women are the bread winners can make a man feel less of a man. Those who think women are fat and ugly hello, if you are not touching us we become depressed and eat and lose interest in our selves. If you show us some affection we may make an effort to clean up. And those who cant get their wives to touch them, well idk but you deserve to be loved cuz you sound very sincere and good, a woman should be happy to have you.

  7. JTEX says

    I would like to echo KPatt on Sept 22. I am amazed at this list of reasons! How about this, I am 5’10” and was 140 pounds when we got married, and people tell me I do look like a supermodel, in fact I DO MODEL and my husband did not want to have sex with me from the moment we said I do. He suddenly was disinterested in physical closeness on any level. We have been in therapy for going on 2 years now. Bottom line…he is scared to death of true intimacy and lifelong commitment. He was extremely sexually active before we met and learned to objectify women. He can’t seem to mix love with sex. He loves me….so it’s hard for him to have sex with me!?!? We’ve had sex about 10 times in our 3.5 year marriage, usually because I have begged. There is also this thing called Madanna Whore Syndrome where men can’t seem to have sex with a woman because once they have children and take on the mother role, they become “too good” to have sex with. Let’s be honest, it’s not all the woman’s fault that men don’t want to have sex. I’d like to put some onus on the porn industry which has helped men to objectify women and become comfortable with disconnected sexual encounters. Men keep their hearts protected behind a computer and are too scared to be vulnerable with their wives. Something has to change.

  8. evin says

    I’ve been married10yrs. The last 31/2 have been a sexless marriage as my wife has gain a huge amount of weight. She now weighs more than I do and has a gut that hangs down .We have no kids to blame her gain of weight on. She just eats all the wrong things at the wrong time at night. I’m not asking her to be a model or anything like that , but just to take care of yourself. Ladies, listen up , most of us men are not looking for you to be some Victoria secret model. That’s not real. But please ,do you really expect us to be all worked up if you weigh 275+ . Couples need to understand that its both of your duties to stay in somewhat healthy shape for both esteem and attraction for both. If you think your fat, you probably are,so do something about and you will see a change. men do not like fat women.period .

  9. Mikecj says

    I just wanted to toss out another reason why men stop having sex as it is happening to me now. At first my wife and I discussed the issue (she not wanting), I tried books, romantic dinners, doing extra work around the house, therapy, every internet article I could find, ect. This had gone on for 3 years now. All the while she would say it will get better. The rejection was horrible. It hurts your soul to be rejected from the person you have made a view to be with until you die. At this stage her little advances are seen as taunting more then engaging. I bet (don’t know) they she wonders why I don’t pounce at the glimpse of her body as I used to. The reason is I have lost hope. I will not divorce, but there is no point in trying. To people out there, if you have neglected your spouse intimate for a significant period of time, then wonder why they now reject you. 7 out of 10 times I bet this will be the case.

  10. kpatt says

    The above is clearly written by a man – er sorry a CAVEMAN .
    If this is a taster of the book, I for one will not be buying it!! I have never seen such a derogatory list against women.
    I am a 42 year old ‘bread-winning’ wife, who cooks, cleans, walks the dogs, tends the garden, washes, irons and keeps a pretty damn good home. I am trim and groomed and well presented.
    I have earned a very good wage enabling my husband to work on various business projects (which i have invested approx £40k). For various reasons – usually not my husbands fault- these ventures have so far not succeeded.
    This has put a massive financial stress on our 20 year marriage, which has been the root of our virtually sexless marriage over the last 6 years.
    My husband and I are very much in love but i wont deny that i feel very neglected and unwanted. The main trouble is now that i am getting too old to have children and i dont see a way out of this……..

  11. Guest says

    I would like to respond to (Anonymous March 5, 2010 at 12:19 am).


    I’ve supported her for 15 years. Worked all day and hoped to come home to a safe haven… Too much to ask for I guess. I’ve supported her through a prescription drug addiction and now alcohol, and I’m tired of it! Then she wants sex? This wale next to me? I have one question… Who are you and when did you eat my wife!
    I spoke to her closest friend, and asked what I can do to fix things, and she said… Its not you.

    You women have to stop complaining. At least you have an out. If I leave, the courts will automatically give this cheating, druggie, alcoholic person my children. My only option is to stay and take it, so I can act as a buffer between her and my kids.

    • anon says

      Have you (and Anonymous March 5, 2010) considered that your spouses may have depression? No? Didn’t think so!

      You sound horribly cruel & I would LOVE to know what your wife has to say about as to why she felt it necessary to turn to drugs & alcohol to cope? Have you helped her find out why she needs these props?

      And if she is as bad as you say, then no court in the land will reward her custody. You can leave, you just choose not to. It’s called being a martyr!!

  12. alcinoe says

    ugghh!!! Why is this list all the woman’s fault for the sexless marriage. Sorry. But I have gained weight ‘cos I was so depressed about NEVER having sex. another man took interest and the weight is dropping off. He hasn’t wanted me much when I was thin or when I was fat (it all seemed about the same). He just doesn’t like sex that much. Or something. He knows how much this hurts me but won’t do anything about it. It’s been like this since day 1. I wish I’d never married him. But I did. And now I have a kid with him. I’m not going to waste my 40s like I wasted my 30s and half my 20s with no sex.

  13. marriage sucks! says

    Now I don’t think my husband is gay…before we met he was into a lot of porn. I made him get rid of it because I believe that it is a form of cheating I mean if someone else is visualy turning you on and your masturbating to it you have a conection to that person in the video or magazine…..even though I’ve caught him masturbating a couple of times to girls dancing in their bikinis I let him know I see it as cheating he says he just got excited because of all the skin he seen but we hadn’t had sex in months I did gain weight but I lost it all got down to 125lbs. I am attractive to most men and when my weight was down we had sex just about every night…..but now I’ve put on 40lbs and no sex not even any affection….so I said something about it and on the day I did say something later that night he tried to have sex but he didn’t stay hard he said it was him and he felt like he let me down….it had been a few months since we had sex and he couldn’t even keep it up……I know its the weight I’ve gained and it sickens me to know that the only way to get laid by my husband now is to get him drunk or lose the weight I have 4 kids and its not that easy to lose the weight when nobody shows intrest in you if your husband doesn’t show affection when your not at your best it makes you feel and look worse ignoring us is not a way to get us to lose weight it is a way for us to hate you and want to get out!

  14. fay says

    lets face it ladies most not all but most of these men are gay I have been in a sexless marriage for 35 years just finding the courage to get out of this self inflicted loneliness and pain mostly what I see is that these men are usually into porno and masturbation so they do like sex just not with us I was beautiful at 18 when we met 126 pounds I am still very attractive men obviously find me so just not my husband he has cheated on me through out the years and also I found strange phone calls from men and caught him in extremely strange situations with men he did not get tired of me he simply stopped being intimate with me as soon as he knew I was his. Every time I left he begged me to come back that’s when I quickly learned that he could be intimate just long enough to get me back then business as usual Ask yourself no intimacy why marriage? Answer: many men today are using women as hiding places for their homosexuality we know it is true we just don’t want to say it out loud.

  15. mel says

    Jeeeez ladies i thought it was just men who got nothing . I,ve had nothing for 6 months and over my entire marriage my sex life has been piss poor for 20 years my wife just isn,t interested and sees it as no big deal ! Yes i,ve tried to be pateint , i muck in with the kids , housework etc etc (only me works) and i still get fook all .
    I,m 45 now and recently suffered from anxiety and depression and to be honest i havn,t got the balls to start over again at my age .
    I give up , i,m sorry to say after 20 years of marriage and being faithfull i,m going to go elsewhere . I crave sex or should i say to feel attractive to the opposite sex , i,m at an all time low , i know i,m loved as a father to my kids but i want a dam good shag , lust , and to feel alive again !
    My wife just doesn,t get it (or rather i don,t) its not important to her so thats it . We went for an early night (at my suggestion of course ) after no sex for 6 months and she wasn,t arroused at all and all that was on offer was a hand job (sorry to much information !)
    I,d shag a knot in a piece of wood i,m that desparate .
    And ladies ….big is bueatifull , if your husband doesn,t appreciate you its not your fault we all come in different shapes and sizes (my wife is size 18 ) and i think she is really sexy , unforetunatly obviously i,m not .

    Take care


  16. Matt says

    Married 40 plus years and 25 without sex. My wife likes sex and I on the other hand can’t perform due to E/D and other medical problems. My wife was and still is not happy with the situation. I explained many times that I can’t help it ! And further she can do what she wants. Over the years she has created alot of friends both male and female. A friend of hers ratted on her and said she has been sleeping with a couple of her girl and guy friends. Now I don’t mind as long as she is happy. I’ll play the dumb act and make like I don’ know.

  17. DiDi says

    I feel like the one woman does. Why in the hell is all of the blame put on the women, and the men get off scott free without even giving any reasons for their lack of interest? His attitude disgusts me. Well, maybe the men have put on some weight too. At least women have a reason for gaining weight. Any man who would cut his wife off because she got fat having his kids is worthless.

    I have been married to a man like this for 25 years. The first few years were normal. Well, I did catch him on the floor with another man, fully clothed, yet on their sides, an inch apart and staring into each others eyes. Girls, I think we’re all a bunch of fag hags. Now don’t get him wrong, I had gay friends in school and all, but it really wasn’t my intention to marry one. To the ladies pushing for sex. If you think at all that he might be gay and acting on it, I wouldn’t reccomend it. I have health problems so I feel I’m stuck. I can also really feel for the ones who have little kids. The men want a fake life. They don’t want to come out. They want to get all the benefits of being in a traditional marriage (i.e. wife, kids, house in suburbs, respect of their families). It sounds like they wanted to just put in enough manly effort to marry a woman and then have a kid or two. What kind of family do they come from? Being gay would not have been accepted from my husband’s family. Of course, he still claims that he is not gay. But if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…

    Now, it does sound like one or two of these men could be having affairs with other women. The one guy who posted on here just sounds really sad and lazy. Yes, you heard me lazy.

    There are a lot of queers in the closet. Sadly, their wives and children have to pay the price for their deception. Most of the gay guys I knew in HS have died from AIDS. Since I don’t know for sure what he has been doing or anything, I wouldn’t feel safe having sex with him right now anyway.

  18. Vontresa says

    What the hell is this? This article places all the blame on the wife!!!! What is the wife is more adventurous and energetic and sexually entertaining than her husband. What if the wife looks 10-12 years younger and is often hit on by younger men because she is NOT overweight, exercises and takes care of herself? What if the wife works as many hours or more than her husband, comes home to a 15 yr old and a 2 yr old, prepares dinner, monitors homework, studies for her MBA, does the laundry, manage the bills, fixes his plate and walks it to him, cleans the house and compile the trash before bed, bathes the baby and manages to make sure all the doors of the house are locked? What if the husband travels a great deal for his job and when he’s home spends more time with his friends at strip holes? AND, after having all of that stills does not and will not give his wife what he is suppose to? Did I add that the wife is refusing to cheat because she truly wants to remain loyal, but has to beg him and still gets rejected?

    Come on! Where’s the lame excuse of a blame for his actions instead of making it the wife’s fault. An oath was taken “for better for worse”. Most men don’t look the same after a few years either – flabby chests, beer guts and so on. If women were to think like the author of this article, most men over 40 wouldn’t be getting laid by anyone, because many of them are past the stage of obesity. Respond to that!

    Signed ANGRY WIFE WHO ISN’T GETTING ANY AND IS FED UP BECAUSE HER HUSBAND IS NOT FULFILLING HIS VOW. There’s nothing any of the sluts he watches dance can do that I can’t do and I’m not willing to do.

  19. mrs.huggs says

    I did not realize that so many sexless marriages were out there…
    This is such a hard topic to understand, especially from someone that is in the same situation. My spouse is very sexy and beautiful to me,
    he always has been, and still is.
    Somewhere in the last 3-4 years he just cut me off, sexually, emotionally and physically. He is very satisfied w/in himmself, a great job, great looks and great health and wealth.
    However, he does not want nothing to do with me sexually.
    I could understand if I had gained weight, was overbearing but I am not any of those things. I as well keep in shape, I wrk out now just to show him, I care about me as well.
    however I am a homemaker and stay at home and take care of house and children. I feel like him and I are on a contest trying to compete with one another. (kinda like the war of the roses)
    Almost made me come to the point of losing my mind over this and my failure of our marriage. I began to question his sexuality as far as being gay. I question myself as far as being a bad wife.. ect… I have finally learned that I cant change him nor what he wants sexually in a wife.
    ( he wants nothing from me..includingt no sex life and affection.
    I can”t keep on thinking about if”… he is in love with his affairs… (NO SEX for 4 years.. yes he has someone else.. he has no health issues).. I have taken up a hobby, a job and I concentrate on my children and accept a flirt every now and then from a stranger.. just to keep my pride intack, and thank GOD that our children and bills r being paid along with mortgage, power ect…medical, dental…..groceries…ect… wow! what controlling power can do to a marriage is heart-breaking.

    Now I have come to a decision in my life:
    do I really want to continue this way? Hell no! I am not dead yet! I still am very much alive and I am all Woman that needs physical needs…time to make decisions when u prance around in your g-string, half naked, all dolled up.. and NO RESPONSE!
    Its time for a change..

    • allison says

      ok you said it was time for a change. how did you do it. i dont know if i can do it anymore. I have had a lot of emotional trauma during my years and among others. and my husband knows that and he know i try hard not to close up on him, but when i open up and try to get him to want me he shuts me down or says things like i dont mean it. so my first thought is shut down-he doesnt want it anyway. but i still try and nothing. he wont even talk about it. So what did u do?

  20. Nat says

    Everyone wants to fix a sexless marriage! I personaly enjoy being sexless. I’m not gay or hanging with other women. To me sex is a burden.
    My wife and have been married 40+ years and I’d guess about 25 years without any sex or intimacy. My wife is hurt and probably still hurt.
    I was brought up with drunken father and a very out spoken mother.
    They argued constantly. I can’t ever remember seeing any one in my family kiss each other. Now I have blood pressure, cholestrol, ulcers, and slight depression and take meds for all this. I haven’t tryed but I’m sure my libido is long gone. My wife has hung in there with me all these years, were friends and get along great.

    • teesa says


      • Nat says

        Well here it is 2 years later and I guess I’m an idiot! I really don’t mind I have big shoulders, and I’m still not ever going to have sex with my wife. I really don’t care if she hurt or not. She can leave when ever she wants. I still think sex is a burden, gross, disgusting, messy and smelly, pointless and totaly meaningless.I now live in the basement and she upstairs. I told her to leave me alone and don’t bother me. I have and want no one else, male or female. I just stay hold up in the basement or in my garage. My life is wonderful I’m me and I don’t have to bother with any one else.

  21. j moorey says

    it feels like Im not alone afterall. my husband always says he wants to make love, however when its bed time he keeps away, orjust pecks me on the cheek and goes straight to sleep. we have talked endlesly, and always says he will try harder. this year twice we made love, and it was not good for either of us. He has had an affair 8 years ago, and its been downhill in the bedroom since. Im so frustrated and feel wasted. He has said a couple of days ago that after 4 children, physically its not so good. So I have brought a Kegel exerciser as a last attempt to save our relationship. I have always pid attention to his needs, until I realised he does nothin back, and Imleft un satisfied. Im not fat, Im resonable for my age, Imcomplimented by other people, but not my husband…..I feel a separation coming on. Ive brought sexy nightwear. and underwear,but he just ignores me. I am very lonely, and now we arge about it.

  22. Meerah says

    If there is a silver lining in all this, It’s to know that I’m not alone in this situation. I am VERY alone in my marriage. I am in my mid thirties, my husband is 29. We married in 2003. I started work at 16 years of age and became a stay at home mom about four years ago with the birth of our first and only child. The decision to be a stay at home mom was very hard. I loved my job, but seeing as we had no family where we lived, I could not , in good conscience, leave my precious daughter with a stranger, while I worked to pay for said stranger to raise my child. We had to move away, and because of our financial situation, ended up living with my parents.
    Although my husband and I made these decisions together, I have had a serious lack of support from him from the get go. I missed my job, I missed my old body, I missed my friends. I was depressed…but I got help and medication. I finally realised that being a mom WAS my job.
    He on the other hand had taken a job that he hated. I could see he was stressed. When he mentioned that he wanted to quit and start up his own business, I stood by him, and despite my unvoiced reservations, took that leap of faith. That was 3 years ago. We are getting by, but barely. Since he has a history of bad credit, and no bookkeeping skills. I have been paying the bills, keeping the books and juggling his work schedule. This is fact, not a lack of faith or trust in him. He once scheduled himself to be in 4 places at the same time.
    I do admit to getting on him about it. He forgets that were in the same boat..someone has to make sure it does not sink. So now, I’m a controlling, nagging, wife. I know what some would say at this point. But my daughter has started preschool..I have put in many resumes, even for jobs that are not in my field. In this economy, no one seems to want a part-time employee with an unflexible schedule. And no, my parents both still work full time, I have no back up. No one to pick her up when she’s sick, no one to watch her when there is no school. LOL, If I had gotten a job, I would have been let go by now.
    As for my personal up-keep and appearance. I am Egyptian trained bellydancer. Have been for a decade. I strive to keep in shape, not just for my husband, but for my own self esteem. I keep house for 6 people, two of which are in construction, diesel mechanics. thats up to 14 full loads of laundry a WEEK, and this is not counting bedding (and for all you homemakers you know the chores do not stop there:-). I’m not complaining, although we do pay rent, I know this is my contribution for staying in my parents home…yep, still here.
    Am I neglecting my husband? ha! He’s not even around to neglect should I choose. When we do have a moment, he gets on his computer 3/4 of the time to play games. When I try to speaking of my distress ( I am the only one to initiate conversation) I get the ” you’re contolling” line. I seems as if I’m married with a child, and he’s married, but consumed by his job, his mistress. Like I’ve matured. I’ve become a mother, but he can’t seem to see how this would change somebody.
    The latest is that he says I was controlling from before we were married, but he only now realises it….That he’s soooo angry with me. That I depend to much on him for happiness (uh, no just some affection. Hand holding would be nice on occasion). Now he needs space. but he won’t separate. He wants to take control of his own spending, which I’ve given back to him freely. This should be interesting. Now I tip-toe around him, smiling , silent, and not clingy. I’m throwing myself whole heartedly into raising my daughter and dancing with a passion. He says that when he’s done thinking and taking time out, he’ll come around, but I need to basically need to keep walking on eggshells, or were right back at square one. The thing is, the longer this goes on, the more of a childish game it becomes. I’m in my prime, I don’t deserve this, and he’s becoming more of a turn off by the second.
    THAT being said, if you’ve read this comment down to this point, I thank you. I have no other way to get this out. I talk to my therapist, but he’s stoped talking. Not much to do about that apparently.
    But I’ve made it a point to enjoy my life, with or without him. I’m done crying and begging.
    oh..and for the men, who think that stay at home moms lay around all day…try to imagine a job where you clock in and NEVER clock out, where you are always on call. Try to let your wife have a weekend to herself while you watch the kids and get the housework done. And I don’t mean plopping the young ones down in front of the T.V. with fast food and making sure they stay alive till your 48 hours are up.
    And please don’t tell women to try to do your job, because most of us have . And praise the ones that still are, and are trying to raise a wonderful human being in the process:-)!

  23. cane says

    I have been married for 15 months now and we have had sex about 10 times in the last 15 months.
    I dont feel like it because she is fat and she never shows any interest either. so we live together ……but without sex
    I have had sex enough times in the past with many women but seeing her attitude makes me also feel she isnt that intetested in sex.
    Its not as if she has never had sex either. She too had had alot of it with an ex lover while she was married to a loser.
    Now I cant get her to climax by the regular stimulation methods that I have succeded with with other women which makes me feel that even she too isnt that interested.
    I feel she is just staying married for society because just like me she too is a divorcee and wouldnt want to be a divorcee a second time.
    Please advice me what needs to be done.
    Please email me and advice.
    I too dont want another divorce

  24. Anonymous says

    I’ve stopped having sex with my wife because of building resentment I have against her from right after we were married to now (six years later). When we were newly weds we both worked and took care of the house, but after 2 years I took a job for the better; we moved closer to her family and she didn’t have to work, when we had a baby I took on another job so she didn’t have to work and we didn’t have to put our baby in day care. She keeps the house’s level of cleanliness at the bare minimum, I run out of laundry and complain and then she gets it caught up, she cooks boxed dinners & makes no attempt after 6 years to improve for me or herself, we have boxes in our house after 3 years of living here from the move, rooms are unorganized, I can also tell the she views sex as one of her “wifely” duties and gets into it just enough to not lay there. The only reason she hasn’t been kicked to the curb is my kid. I don’t know you ladies and if any this applies to you, but being lazy with your home while your husband works hard is disrespectful and rude to him and over time doing the bare minimum will eat away at his patience and his love for you, as he will feel that a woman that truly loves him would work harder to take care of what he has provided…. i.e. meaning you don’t really love him, you just like the good life he provides.

  25. Janet says

    OMG.. It’s 2.30am and having just read the 5 previous comments, I have now realised I’m not alone. I too have just jumped out of the marital bed in anger, and now crying as I too feel neglected & rejected. My husband knows that I love him with all my heart, I also believe he loves me the same way. But lying next to the person that you love, being able to see him, hear him , smell him is total torture because as soon as i cuddle him or touch him, the excuses start… for the record we have spoken at great lenghts about how this issue makes me feel and he tells me that it’s because he’s tired, too much to drink etc etc.. Bit strange really because my husband hasnt worked for the past 3 weeks due to weather conditions (he’s a brick Layer) so im unsure as to why he’s tired, there arn’t any money worries either, and as for too much 2 drink, well he certainly dosn’t drink more than 3 nights per week, and he probably isn’t physically capable on only 1 out of the 3 nights that he has drunk? He has also said he has problems, but the doctor & tests have not found anything wrong? Like one of the replies, I too have resorted to being cold towards my husband on occassions, but my husband dosn’t understand that I can’t kiss him good night sometimes because this will fuel my sexual needs, which in turn results in me stomping out of the bed.. I feel im in a no win situation here.. He’s expecting me to kiss him good night and that’s it?? So i have to shut myself off sometimes to deal with the situation.. I do agree with some of the points Jen has mentioned about control issues. Maybe I should try some of that myself, like no tea, no washing etc, whats good for the goose as they say, infact maybe he just want’s a mother? Now im beginning to answer my own questions.. If anyone has any further advice please reply.. cos this is really stressing me and I just dont know what the hell to do anymore…

    • Jo says

      OMG I feel exactly the same as you guys. I feel like that control thing is also happening with me and my husband, the more I ask the more he rejects me and it makes me feel so ashamed and unattractive that I have to ask him. He tells me his is too stressed and we do have a lot of stress going on but that never stopped us before…
      I really don’t know what advice to give though, sorry. I just feel like I don’t want to be around my husband, if I had the option I would go stay somewhere else for a while…
      Anyone who DOES have advice please write!

    • steve says

      guys… c’mon, grow a pair and move on! You mention him loving you the way you love him, how can you possibly know that, you’re making an assumption. These guys don’t love you anymore, at least not sexually, so why live in a roommate marriage? that’s not what marriage is, or at least it shouldn’t be. At some point, you have to just make a stand and do things for yourself. If he is ignoring you, you pretty much know where you stand. Just pack your sh*t and leave!

  26. Brooke says

    My husband and I have been married since April, 2009. Today is Dec. 31, 2009 and it has been almost 4 months without sex. I have gotten to the point to where I constantly think he is not attracted to me anymore, I’m fat (I only weigh 118), he is cheating on me, etc. I have talked to him about it a thousand times and he tells me that he thinks he has a medical problem. He FINALLY went to the Dr. a few months back and everything checked out fine. I’m just to that point that I don’t know what to do anymore. He asked why I never try anymore, but it is because I am afraid of being turned down. My self-esteem is already low enuf as it is. We are in our late twenties, I don’t think this should be an issue…

  27. neo says

    we’ve been together for almost 3 yrys we have an 18 month old son and now i’m 4 months pregnant. for the past 6 months we’ve been fighting constantly and now he’s stopped having sex with me. it’s been 4 months without sex? i hate myself for getting pregnant and it’s all my fault.he woul come home in the early hours of the morning but now has stopped. am i paranoid to think he’s getting tn outside somewhere????

  28. jenn says

    It’s called control and manipulation – no amount of talking/pleading will help. It is a form of emotional abuse – Whenever a spouse withholds affection and will not discuss why it is because he/she feels he/she has the right to punish the other. I am sorry you are in this situation and any attempt to regain your control will probably be met with increased hostility – find good friends, a confidant or therapist, and decide what you want to do next.

  29. Sibongile says

    I just got out of my bed now angry.My husband doesn’t have sex with me anymore.I starve here sexually seriously.I practically beg him for sex. Sometimes I cry & I hate myself for doing that.When I read what u wrote I think being overweight is my problem.Please help me I feel so unattractive right now.But funny he also has gained a lot of weight & I never complained.

    • jenn says

      jenn December 21, 2009 at 11:26 pm

      It’s called control and manipulation – no amount of talking/pleading will help. It is a form of emotional abuse – Whenever a spouse withholds affection and will not discuss why it is because he/she feels he/she has the right to punish the other. I am sorry you are in this situation and any attempt to regain your control will probably be met with increased hostility – find good friends, a confidant or therapist, and decide what you want to do next.

    • Stationary Dave says

      Sibongile: I am no expert because I, too, am in a sexless marriage. My wife has gained enough weight that she doesn’t feel good about herself and doesn’t seem to want me to touch her. I guess I’d offer to you the same advice I have offered her (although with little success):
      You have to start somewhere. You have to change something. Maybe leave off that late night snack. Maybe drink water instead of sodas. Get out and take a brisk walk. But do something. And let him know you’re doing something. Invite him to join you. Because a person who is doing something to make themselves better is sexy. That’s right. An overweight person working out at the gym is infinitelty more sexy than an overweight person watching tv in the recliner. There is hope.
      And so what if doing something to improve yourself still doesn’t get him to perk up? You will be able to look in the mirror and like the changes you’re seeing. I think you’ll find that your even slightly improved self-esteem will be infectious. And either it will perk him up and save your marriage, or it will help you finally make the break and dump this no-good marriage and start working on a new one.

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