Here is the issue that separates that which might be tolerable, from that which is not tolerable. Sexless is one thing; loveless is another.
A sexless relationship has its own problems, as you probably know. If there is love between you then the absence of sex might be tolerable. Along with love there might well be a shared history, lots of common family and friends, and the normal attachments to home and community.
A sexless marriage is one thing. A loveless marriage is another.
A sexless marriage can be tolerable but if you are in a sexless and loveless marriage, what is left?
Not much but a lot of emptiness.
I have a book in my office and the title is Love is a Choice. I loaned the book to a client a couple of weeks ago because he was in great turmoil. His relationship had been basically sexless for some months. His girlfriend had parted the relationship.
He knew that he had remained at a safe distance from her, fearful of intimate sexual contact. She grew tired of the lack of sex, but even more importantly, she grew weary of the lack of intimacy. She wanted someone to treat her lovingly. For her, sex and love were two different, but tightly related experiences. She wanted them both.
Love is a choice. If you want to feel love for your partner, then act lovingly and you will begin to think lovingly toward your partner. Those loving actions and thoughts will bring about loving feelings.
Act, think, feel in that order.
If you want to change the way you feel, first change the way you act, then work hard and change the way you think and your feelings will change as well.
So, if you find yourself in a sexless marriage and it is becoming loveless as well, then begin to act lovingly so that you can begin to think lovingly and the feelings will come around.
Sexless and loveless relationships offer very little of depth to someone’s life. If this is the sort of relationship you are in, then do what you can to act, think, and feel differently.
If you can get the love going then the sex might follow. But, if you can get the sex going the love might follow.
One of the major pieces of advice that some professionals offer to sexless couples is this: Just do it! The thought is that if you just act sexually, then your desire for sex will increase.
But, if after a lot of work and energy, you are stuck in a sexless loveless marriage it might be time to contemplate ending the relationship.
Sex and love.
You have every right to want both, and I hope you can find them both.
Recommended Books on Marriage
- The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
- One New Habit To Fix Your Marriage: 10 Simple Steps To Put The Joy And Intimacy Back In Your Marriage
- The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope